If I Only Knew Then...

Sometimes when you least expect it something from your past will pop back up, feel like yesterday and subsequently hit you like a ton of bricks.

Not sure why I went down the rabbit hole today, but I did, and it's left me sad, lonely and missing someone I haven't seen in almost 18 years. Is that even possible? How can such a short period of time effect you for the rest of your life?

I was young and stupid and scared and had no idea what I really wanted. It's just taken me this long to realize I already had exactly everything I'd ever need, and I'd spend the next 20 years trying to find it again. I should've fought a little harder and tried to make things work. Giving up too easily was one of my biggest faults then just as it is now.

As much as I blame youth and stupidity, there's a beauty in innocence. I'm too old, tired and jaded now. There will never be another "you" or another "us" - because those people and that time are gone. It'll never happen again because I'd never let it. Once you've had your heart broken again and again and been lied to over and over for almost 20 years, the joy and wonder of those days are sad relics of something I let go of way too soon.

I'm sure I'll never see you again or get the chance to tell you all of this, but writing it at least makes me feel a little better.

Thank you for showing me how amazing being madly in love can be.

I'm also incredibly sorry. Sorry for the way we ended, sorry for everything.

Wherever you are now just know there's a part of me that will love you always.